6-27-22
Sunshine Waters shares his philosophy on suicide with his partner, Dazey Will Do.
“Why do you want to die, Sunshine? There’s so many things to live for, to look forward to in life. Isn’t death a little drastic?”
Dazey gripped Sunshine’s pants leg. Normally, the giant would let down his hand, inviting Dazey closer to his head. Instead, Sunshine had his knees drawn up, burying his face in them. There was no way for him to hide from Dazey otherwise. His arms held his legs close to him, cradling himself into a bundle. Sunshine was quiet for a moment.
“Sometimes, there’s a deep sadness in the world that never gets better in the time we are here. A lifetime is so short that we do not see a change, but long enough to drag on. I do not often have a choice as to what happens to me. I understand how impossible my dreams are. I understand I will not always be treated with respect or consideration. I have the strength to uproot old, old trees from the ground and to demolish a building in a matter of hours or less. And yet, I do not have the power to live freely and have my wishes. Many people will make do, living with what they can because there seems to be no other option than to persist. We are led to believe suffering is the only option.” Sunshine’s whole body heaved with a long and slow inhale and exhale. “ Life is always going to be full of suffering. There is joy, and there is always suffering. I have lived my life, I have known joy and pleasure. I am satisfied to have known this life and to have experienced such joy. What more is there for me, but more sadness?”
Dazey listened, his cheek pressed to Sunshine’s ankle.
“And so you don’t want more in life? There’s so much more I’d like to do with you, Sunshine Waters.” He paused. “ You don’t want a life with me?”
Sunshine sighed.
“I love you, Dazey Do. I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. I’ve only lived for others for so long. It took me a long time to realize I only have control over my own body and my own life, meaning my death is my choice. Mine alone. The emotional pain I feel is real. It is deep and much more painful than I can show you. A patient doomed to suffer their whole life should be granted the mercy and choice to no longer suffer. I believe I have that same choice. I choose the kindness of death over the ignorance of life. Life as I know it does not care for me, but I will always have death to turn to. There is no uncertainty about it. Dying would absolve me of all pain and burdens. I would have been, and I will no longer be. So simple.”
Dazey’s grip on Sunshine’s overall leg loosened as he settled to sit next to the giant, dragging his feet to sit next to him at his tremendous hip. He sighed and spoke up.
“Dear… We don’t agree on suicide. Deep down in the bottom of my heart, I can’t agree with you, Sunshine. But I love you and I want you here with me. As much as it scares me to hear you say all this, I would also never tell you to keep it to yourself. You trust me so much, I don’t want you to feel like that means nothing to me. You mean everything to me, damn it. You hear me, Mister Waters?”
Sunshine steadied his breathing. He could feel the sting of Dazey’s eyes welling up from where he sat, he felt the arresting heartache of his beloved creeping into his own woefully heavy heart’s burdensome pull.